Communication, like many things in our life, is always around us but not thought of a lot — fish in water concept. Greet people that you may not know, or if you know someone, give them a real authentic greeting, so they know that they matter to you.
Greeting means you see someone. Greeting means that you matter. And psychologically that hits a chord with everyone because we all want to belong, that we are important in the eyes of others.
Recall the period we just came out of, Covid, and how we learned — built a habit of keeping to ourselves, or trying to figure out who someone was behind the mask, seeing if they were smiling or not. We were unable to read facial expressions, which is a huge part of our communication.
Face to face communication was replaced with a text message, or better yet a video chat.
Why don’t we do this more often? Because it depends on how do I feel right now — am I tired or cranky — so your desire to greet someone is based on your mindset. What we need to do is change that to: who needs my Hello?
According to a study published in the Journal of Psychology, even brief social interactions with strangers, such as a friendly greeting, can improve our mood and reduce feelings of loneliness and social isolation.
I was raised by an extremely outgoing father who was always the life of the party, so I kept my mouth shut — always someone who was quite happy sitting in the back watching people.
Through life I realized that I was intimidating and that bothers me. People in normal conversation would comment — well, you intimidated me. Somewhere along that path I decided to change that. I recall reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People years ago, and it set me on the idea of trying to make someone smile every day.
I started down a path to change myself by making a stranger smile and saying hello to everyone.
It is a funny thing that people need to be given permission at times to say something to someone else.
Who needs a Hello today? I started to learn to feel the energy from someone else after I said hello. Did you ever realize that it is almost impossible to not smile, to not look up into another person’s eyes, when you say hello?
Find a way of developing a habit of greeting people. The Say-Hello campaign is often focused on the word Hello, however Say is the action word. It is “Say” that has us thinking forward … “what do I learn or say after Hello?” The best way to be happy is to live right now instead of in the past.
Let’s start a habit to Say-Hello more often, make a perfect stranger smile. To Say-Hello is not about you, but there is something so empowering when you utter those two small words.
The power of one word!
The Connection Prescription
There is significant evidence that social support and feeling connected can help people maintain a healthy body mass index, control blood sugars, improve cancer survival, decrease cardiovascular mortality, decrease depressive symptoms, mitigate posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms, and improve overall mental health.
In a meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad and colleagues at Brigham Young University, they examined 148 articles published on the effects of human interactions on health outcomes, and they reported that social connections with friends, family, neighbours, or colleagues improves the odds of survival by 50%.
Low social interaction was reported to be similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and to being an alcoholic, to be more harmful than not exercising, and to be twice as harmful as obesity.
The self-determination theory developed by psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan focuses on three basic human needs for sustained, volitional motivation:
Autonomy — that you’re in control of yourself — freedom. Competency — that you’re good at something. Relatedness — that you belong.
When one of these three basic needs is obstructed, then a person suffers. So if a person feels stuck, they suffer; when a person feels incompetent they suffer; when a person feels like they don’t belong they suffer.
So as leaders and good humans, what can we do?
Autonomy — the ability of the person to make his or her own decisions. This faith in autonomy is the central premise of the concept of informed consent and shared decision making. We stop micromanaging, tell people the outcome you expect, not the way to do their job!
Competency — the knowledge, skills, abilities, and behaviors that contribute to individual and organizational performance. We make sure people are well trained, well informed, and their roles and responsibilities are defined — set them up for success and reward their success!
Relatedness — the desire to feel loved, connected to others, and meaningfully involved with the broader social world. We make them feel appreciated and they belong. Look around at your coworkers or the people you have met here. You may know them, however you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.
It is only when all three needs are met that a person feels motivated to tenaciously pursue goals and can thus achieve optimal performance, creativity, and well-being.
Years ago I worked with a lady who was kind and sweet and consistently at work before me and left after me. It was years later that I learned she lived in her car. I learned that she had no family and I realized that we were her only social connection.
This is my concern for many as we all get older — as you age your kids leave, so you bury yourself in work to feel the relatedness, the feeling of being needed. Then you retire and there is no work, no friends, kids come over but they have their own lives. How are our seniors feeling relatedness? How are they feeling competent?
Several times, but most recently in November of 2023, I travelled to the Dominican Republic to assist a group called Builders for Change build some homes. The community was extremely poor, the kind of poverty that makes your head spin. My afterthoughts of that trip were deep confusion at the level of happiness. These people had nothing, but they sang, danced and laughed the entire day. How can our Canadian society, that has so much, be so unhappy?
Go back to our three basic needs. Autonomy — the ability of the person to make his or her own decisions. The world doesn’t care about them, so they can do anything! Competency — the knowledge, skills, abilities, and behaviors that contribute to individual and organizational performance. They each have a task to help their community survive. Relatedness — the desire to feel loved, connected to others, and meaningfully involved with the broader social world. They feel loved every day.
Desmond Tutu — We are because we belong!
Tom Shadyac’s film I Am conducts interviews with scientists, religious leaders, environmentalists and philosophers to ask two questions: What’s wrong with the world? What can we do about it? I Am argues that we are actually genetically programmed to love, cooperate and share with one another. We do have the power inside ourselves to change the way society operates, and it starts at the individual level.
What do I want you to take away from this?
Connection and obligation. Connected to each other — you belong … we are because we belong! And obligation — make sure everyone (and I mean everyone) feels that they belong!
Say-Hello to your future… getting old!
My earliest realization of aging came when I was in my early 30’s. I sat at a memorial service for a fellow police officer’s father who had recently passed. As I walked into the Navy Club, I realized that most people attending had walkers, canes or breathing devices — some all three! As I sat in a small room listening to the service, I caught myself looking at the walls covered in pictures of warriors. I recall so clearly making the connection, that the images of the young, fit, full of p..s and vinegar, were the fragile people now needing support.
I suddenly knew that someday that would be me! That was almost 30 years ago, and today as I approach traditional retirement age I am reminded by coworkers daily of how old I am. That somehow my experience was void due to age.
Reminisce over your 20’s
I am sure each of you have spent countless hours reminiscing about your life, reliving and likely retelling stories of when you were young. Remember those teenage years or early 20’s … for most it was quite an adventure!
Your foggy 30’s and 40’s
During our 30’s and 40’s reality so often comes knocking … family and responsibility. You want to pretend to be young but realize it is time to be mature. You live for your friends and suddenly find you’ve become the chauffeur and the bank.
The confused 50’s
Somewhere in the 50’s the reality that “we are not getting off this ship alive” hits home. You realize that you have lived more years than you will live. Your kids are moving out and your partner and you are trying to figure things out. Freedom is back … but sleeping at 9pm sounds so good!
60’s, your final sprint
A few years back I recall getting more and more removed from society. I didn’t relate, I didn’t feel my opinions or my experiences were valid. I justified my time finding ways to be alone.
I don’t know if it was the isolation of Covid or the realization that I had a final kick in me, but something snapped and I decided that I needed to pivot, get involved, and focus on living.
The prescription to aging
A study out of Brigham Young University found that “low social interaction was reported to be similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and to being an alcoholic, to be more harmful than not exercising, and to be twice as harmful as obesity.”
My concern for many as we all get older … as you age your kids leave, so you bury yourself in work to feel needed. Then you retire and there is no work, no work friends, kids come over but they have their own lives.
The self-determination theory (Edward Deci and Richard Ryan) states that there are three basic human needs for sustained, volitional (intentional) motivation:
Autonomy — that you’re in control of yourself — freedom. Competency — that you’re good at something. Relatedness — that you belong.
How are you making sure you remain self reliant, you remain competent, and that you can relate?
The simplest of solutions is to stay social as we age, stay connected to family, reconnect with old friends, find a hobby, keep learning and Say-Hello to every person you meet.
Community is happiness
Smiles and Hellos are the exercises to happiness.
Recently I was lucky enough to accompany an Ontario charity called Builders for Change in the Dominican Republic. The people in the community where we were doing the builds lived far below Canadian standards but were happy — they had a community that looked after each other and they greeted everyone with an infectious smile.
How can people with nothing be happier than people with everything?
Being an avid walker I often come across people out on a stroll throughout our community. From a young age I have been taught to always greet anyone you make eye contact with. Over the years I have noticed the replies to be often grunts, crickets, or heads down with earphones in.
Have we lost the skill set of being social to strangers?
Throughout history communities were a means of survival, providing safety, sharing resources and care for those less fortunate. We used to meet at the corner store, mailbox or sit on the front porch and greet those out for a stroll. Those days are gone, however our original need for community, safety, shared resources and care for the less fortunate are as important today as in the past.
Have we forgotten that community health is our individual health?
This modern connected society, where we can know everything about someone by looking through their social media content. We walk around with headphones in and heads down to provide a “don’t talk to me” cone of protection. We have opinions about everyone and everything without ever having a direct conversation to understand.
Has our modern “connected” society made us more isolated?
We have apps that track every aspect of our life, to include the steps we take and the calories we burn. Maybe we need an app to track the number of times we Say-Hello! The act of smiling and acknowledging another human being with a simple Hello has a profound impact on our own mental health.
Hello * Community * Happiness.
Saying Hello is a simple concept, however not unimportant. The act of lifting your head, saying hello expels no energy and costs you nothing, however can have incredible impact.
Say-Hello today!
The Talk
We formed this organization understanding that we will not be able to address all societal challenges, however we believe that action takes understanding, and understanding starts with a conversation, and a conversation starts with HELLO.
Join us by saying hello.
Humans require connection to thrive. Lack of connection can be directly related to many of society’s challenges. A Hello to a stranger can have an unrealized impact. Our task is simple: promote saying hello to create safer, happier, more connected and inclusive communities across Canada.
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”— Theodore Roosevelt, speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910
One of my mentors in high school was my football coach who repeated … simply showing up is never good enough! My military instructors used to tell us … there is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. My police corporal used to say … rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6. My uncle, a Catholic priest, used to say “There but for the Grace of God go I.”
Yes, I have been around!
The point I am making is our needs are very situational. Our needs are very situational — we can’t see someone else’s struggle because we are too busy protecting our own.
My football coach used to say to us … showing up isn’t good enough! Think about that. Aging is the aggressive pursuit of comfort. Think about that.
We all go through life simply putting one foot in front of the other. Some will tell you they plan every step, however they leave out their missteps and only focus on their success.
There but for the Grace of God go I. Now, I was raised Catholic and learned early in my adult years that there is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. When we are truly down and out, hanging on by our fingertips, scared to our core … in our minds, or spoken loudly, we will all reach for a higher power.
I truly believe I am entitled. I had parents who loved and guided me, I had strong leaders teach me lifelong lessons, I was born and raised in a country that helps those in need. But I often think that if one of those pillars in my success had not been present, where would I be?
We may feel it is useless to try and fight back, as it seems the loud and obnoxious seem to always get the attention these days. A social media mindset of “I know better than you.” If we sit back and resign ourselves to slip into obscurity — or do we stand back up and do what is right? I am not asking for money, I am asking that you spread the power of one word … Hello!
Think about how it feels when you say Hello to a perfect stranger. Do you smile? Do you lift your head? Do you make eye contact? Now think about how it feels when a stranger says Hello to you. Do you feel recognized or relevant? Do you think “what a nice person”? Do you smile back? Think about your physical response, as it is almost impossible to not smile while saying hello.
Now think of your reaction when someone says hello to you. Better yet, think of how you feel when you’re having a really bad day and you get a hello. The act of saying hello burns no calories, costs you no money, opens up no more personal risk, but can mean so much to someone else.
The Say-Hello project has a simple message: small gestures like saying hello to a stranger have untold consequences. Holding the door open for a man or woman — not because you’re stronger, but because you’re thinking about someone else other than yourself.
It is quite easy to feel desperation — “what can I do?” — when looking around at many of our social challenges in front of us. You are not going to solve the climate, poverty or drug crisis, but what you can do at no cost is Say-Hello.
I have been asked, “and then what?” What do I do after saying hello? My answer is nothing, but just keep saying it.
A quick story: I exercise my mental health every morning at GoodLife Fitness, and every morning for months as I was leaving the gym I would run into this older gentleman as he walked in. Every morning I would say “Hello.” At best I would get a grunt. One morning I happened to get a phone call just as I was leaving the gym and therefore couldn’t say hello to this older gentleman, but he said hello to me as we passed each other. I quickly turned around and said, “What did you say?” He said, “I said Hello.” I smiled and knew that my actions influenced one other person.
I encourage each of you to try this: Say-Hello to a perfect stranger. You may not hear or see a response, but you may influence the next Hello.
I truly believe that our communities will be stronger if we had more Hellos. When our communities are stronger, the people are stronger.
Communities in distant history were organized to share resources, support and protect each other. Some believe that being part of a community means simply showing up and relying on others to provide resources, support and protect. I would argue we need communities more than ever.
In the not too distant past, we would spend our evening sitting on the front porch talking to neighbours that wandered by. We would play road hockey or capture the flag from backyard to backyard. We watched out for our neighbours’ property and families like they were our own. We didn’t have security cameras to catch us, but we had every father and mother in the block watching our every move — and more than happy to report us to our parents!
There is no doubt there was struggle, but there wasn’t the epidemic of mental health, drug abuse and homelessness there is today. I am not saying that a Hello will solve all of our challenges, however I do know that tough conversations start with Hello. I know that saying hello to neighbours makes our communities stronger. I know that saying hello is the beginning of understanding someone else’s problems.
We used to sit on the front porch, know our neighbours, watch each other’s property, and watch out for others’ kids.
